Straight Forward
/Once a Lion
By: Kirk Lawless
I’ve always liked the phrase, “Everybody wants to be a lion, until it’s time to do lion shit.” It’s good to be a lion.
I used to be worth more dead than alive. For most folks that’s true. For cops, it’s definitely true. If you get killed in the line of duty, there’s the Federal Death Benefit. Obviously life insurance helps, and here in the St. Louis area we have an organization called Backstoppers that takes care of the family of the fallen. It’s a great organization; most large cities have something similar in the form of a PBA or welfare association. That’s a great relief for the family of the cop who dies or gets killed in the line of duty. Knowing that your family will be taken care of takes a load off the mind.
However, if you happen to be forced off the job, as in my case, I am worth more alive than dead. Backstoppers doesn’t come in and do their thing when a PTSD diagnosis puts a cop off the job. That’s not what the organization is set up to do. An ensuing farce of a legal battle left me without any income for nearly five years while the Worker’s Comp process played out and the Social Security Disability process, and a lawsuit against my former agency was initiated. There was no pension, per se, as ours was basically a 401k. During the initial legal action I became very suspicious of information I was being spoon-fed, and as such, I avoided filing for long-term disability. As a parting gift, my city held my money hostage from our separation date in January 2012 until May of the same year. When I was able to get my money, we were in the hole five months. By the time the feds caught wind of the early accessing of the 401k, they were on deck to get their share of the taxes and penalties that took a bite out of the money we needed to survive. If I disclosed the amount we survived on divided by as many years, you probably wouldn’t believe how we survived. In fact, I often wonder how we did.
I also did not apply for life insurance benefits while seeking counsel because of similar suspicions. My department was poised to “separate” from me and I knew eventually we were getting divorced. By the time I found an attorney who would give me a green light for the life insurance, the window to submit the paperwork had closed, so no life insurance.
I did eventually win my Worker’s Comp case, was accepted by SSD, and won a Worker’s Comp 2nd Injury Fund award. I paid the feds. What nobody tells you about this stuff is that when you receive a WC award and are on SSD, you have to repay SSD a hefty portion of the award, so you end up pretty much at square one. Most of my debts are paid. I’m above ground and as long as I’m alive, I’m getting paid. Were I to die, my wife would continue to get my SSD money, but the 2nd Injury Fund payments would end. So the master plan is to stay alive as long as possible! And, folks wonder why cops turn to self-destructive behavior or take their own lives?
Nobody talks about this. They don’t teach it in the police academy. The politicians put on a show like these benefits are best thing they do for us. They lie, and they don’t care about us. If something goes south for one of their “boys,” you’ll see how fast the rules are changed. You may find yourself alone, in the fight of your life, without backup, but you dig in and fight. It’s what lions do. Lions are fearless.
I like to say (and I know others say it as well), “I never lose. Either I win, or I learn.” When Michelangelo was 87 years old he said, “I am still learning.” And that’s a good way to look at things. It works for me. I learn something new every day.
This journey is close to the eight-year mark. Here’s some of what I’ve learned along the way. I’ve had to offload personal possessions to pay bills. I’ve had to lean on family and a few close friends to survive. As a point of pride, I suppose, I was not going to lose our house.
My horse I sent to live with some other horses. Selling my horse trailer and saddle wasn’t as tough as giving up my horse. Guns, jewelry, guitars, anything tangible became expendable. Remember, it’s just “stuff.” It can be replaced someday. I tell police recruits that investing in items that could be liquidated in tough times worked for me.
I won’t bore you with a list of things I no longer own, but I will share with you some things not taken from me:
My faith: Lean on God. He will never abandon you. He’s not finished with me. He’s done all of the heavy lifting for me!
My family: They are blessings. Lean on them. Ultimately, they need you!
My friends: Some have stood by my side since the beginning and others I’ve met along the way. Remember this, “When things get out of control and everybody around you is screaming and losing their minds, look for the quiet one and stick to him. He’s about to cut fence and sort some bastards out.” Clean house and get rid of dead weight!
My reputation: A no-nonsense cop, afraid of nothing
My integrity: Doing the right thing, even when nobody is watching
My word: If you say you’ll do something, back it up! My number one rule, “Don’t be a dick!”
My sense of humor: As bad as my situation has been, I still find things to laugh about. It’s good therapy.
My compassion: I’ve learned what friendship and brotherhood are all about. It can be hard sometimes, but be a true friend and brother to those who need you! Be kind!
My sense of wonder: Something amazing happens every day. Something amazes me every day. Therefore I am amazing every day!
My legend: I had a stellar 28-year-career as a police officer. Pretty sure I have attained bona fide “real deal” status in police circles (a brother told me this, so I know it’s true).
I’ve accumulated a lot of hate and that’s a heavy burden, but I’m turning it into positivity; Anger is my engine, Hate is my fuel! By sharing my story, I hope it helps other cops who are in a similar spot, so I’ll keep sharing it. I survived my fight!
My plan is to live forever and so far, it’s working out just fine!
I’m still a lion!
Feel free to friend me or follow me on Facebook, Twitter, or email me at kirklawless@yahoo.com. My cell number is 314-302-0511 (does anybody else put their personal contact info out there? I’m not hiding from anyone. If you call, leave me a message and tell me how you found me. I’ll call you back as soon as I can - horrible reception where I live. No lie, there’s a spot on the map near my house called Possum Hollow!). I’ll help you if I can.
