The “S” Word
/By Andrew Einstein
Suicide… Say that word out loud. Did you feel like you said a bad word? Now say “shit” out loud. Which was easier for you to say? Why is it so difficult to talk about suicide? Suicide is not new. It didn’t just become an issue. It’s been here for the ages and yet we as a society, and even more so in law enforcement, still see suicide as taboo.
In recent years, the annual number of law enforcement officers who committed suicide almost equaled the annual number of law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty. We as cops, are almost as dangerous to ourselves as the criminals who want to kill us. Think about that.
When we leave our families before each shift, we kiss them goodbye with the thought in the back of our minds that it could possibly be for the last time. Before we go on duty, we put on a bullet proof vest (no matter if you’re working on the worst area of Chicago, or the safest town in America) to protect ourselves in the event someone may try to kill us. We train with weapons, and hand-to-hand combat, and all these other areas to help keep us as safe as possible; but after the shift, what are we doing to prepare us for the battle with ourselves? What happens after the uniform comes off?
When we lock up a criminal, we have all these steps in place to ensure their safety and well-being. Even after they leave our custody for the jail, further they are looked after and cared for; their physical health and mental health being a priority but what about us? What do we do after the shift to care for our mental health? What about when a cop gets in trouble? All too often, I hear the same tale: A cop does something wrong and gets pinched. His or her commanding officer picks them up, give them the, “It’ll be OK, just see me tomorrow” speech, then drops them off at home with a once-more reassuring, “You’ll be fine”. The next day that officer doesn’t show. They’re found dead in their home; cause of death, ruled a suicide.
Why is this? We need to stop being afraid to talk about what happens before someone takes their own life. We need to talk about signs and symptoms. We do somewhat, but it’s not enough. We just need to start talking.
Cops need to know they can ask for help and not be labeled or worse; lose their job. Administrators need to know how to properly address an officer in distress. It’s not an overnight fix, but it’s a fix that needs to be started, immediately. Administrators need to get a plan to help their cops. Front line supervisors need to know how to act on that plan. Fellow cops need to know how to react to a brother or sister in crisis.
WE NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION
I was fortunate enough to testify in New York City at the 2019 Police Executive Research Forum. I stood in front of more than 300 of the nation’s police leaders and told my story. I spoke about how, in my previous department, I chose to tell my story, to show other members of service, that it was OK to get help, and how, unfortunately, that administration immediately sent me for a “fit for duty” evaluation. I pleaded to these leaders that, they cannot immediately use a “fit for duty” evaluation when they hear of a member of their department who may be in crisis just to “cover their ass”.
What followed was a two-hour long discussion about how to properly handle a member of service in crisis. I spoke of what I call the “Check Engine Light Theory.” When a member of service brings his or her patrol vehicle back to the station and puts it out of service because the check engine light came on; the administration doesn’t choose to send that vehicle to the scrap yard, replacing it with a brand-new vehicle. That vehicle was an investment and because of that, they send it to the mechanic and say, “Fix the issue and get the vehicle back in service”. Why aren’t we doing that with our cops? A member of service is an investment. From initial academy training and uniform issuance and follow-up training, money is spent to make sure that member of service is ready to tackle anything the job throws at them, just like a patrol vehicle. We need to slow down and stop sending our members of service to the scrap yard when their check engine light comes on.
I don’t have all the answers. No one does. But what I do have is firsthand experience. I tried to kill myself. In 2012, my life got so bad, that in my mind, I was better off dead than alive. Luckily, I wasn’t successful. Soon after, I was forced to get better by way of a dog. Gunner came into my life and saved me from myself. I found that, it was OK to say, “I’m NOT OK!” In the years since, I’ve learned that even when life gets better, you still need to work at your mental health. Times get hard. How are you preparing yourself for those troubling times?
One thing I recommend to people when I talk about dealing with suicide, depression and stress in general is finding a healthy release. I won’t sit here and tell you not to grab a beer or a glass of wine. If you choose to drink a few after a tough shift, so be it. If that’s the solution, then good. Just keep in mind the difference between “a few” to relax and drinking to forget. Maybe you find that release in the gym. (I don’t, I hate the gym.) I found obstacle course racing and skydiving. I know I can’t do those things every day, though I wish I could. But when I have a rough day, I look to my next race or my next jump, and know that it won’t be long until I’m there again.
Maybe for you, your release is playing basketball with your friends on the first Tuesday of every month, for an hour. And in that hour, all your life’s problems cease to exist. You for get about any problems at home, or problems from work. On the court, your only focus is getting that ball into the net. After that hour, when you go back to “life,” sure, maybe all your problems return. But think about this, you know that on the first Tuesday of every month, you’ll be back on that court. Over the next weeks leading up to that next game, don’t let your life’s problems win. Survive Until Tuesday.
Find your release. Don’t be afraid to talk. And I know it’s easier for me to sit here and type this advice, than it is for those of you reading this that are dealing with a struggle right now. I get that. I was there. You need to know this; you have to fight to get better. The fight may be long, and it may hurt. But the fight won’t last forever. Eventually you will get better!
Reach out. Don’t be afraid or ashamed. Be strong and don’t make suicide a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
If you need help but don’t know where to go, call me, text me or email me. I don’t care where you are, I’ll help you. Cell: 856-906-0439 or Email: Einstein2756@gmail.com
