YOU ARE NOT ALONE
/YOU ARE NOT ALONE
By: Nicholas Ricciotti
For three years, I pushed the limits and boundaries of what I could and couldn’t get away with. My actions were fueled by alcohol, which occasionally involved the use of painkillers. Having a valid prescription washed away the worry of ever being subjected to a random urine test from my department. And if I didn’t have anything from my prescription, I was able to get them from someone close to me. For short periods of time, I would binge drink, party, stay out late, go home, sleep, go to work and do it all again. Then I would stop. My girlfriend would get sick of the antics and ask me to stop. Or I’d have an off-duty incident involving alcohol, but I was always able to avoid any charge or arrest.
We all know drinking and driving is number one illegal, and two incredibly irresponsible. Anyone who is a first responder has heard the awful story of a drunk driver crashing into another car. While they walk away unscathed, the damage that they caused to other innocent people is sometimes deadly. I knew this could possibly be my fate, but I pushed those thoughts aside. Instead, I got my rush from doing something wrong, knowing there was a good chance I could get away with it. The best way to describe my relationship with alcohol and pills is like a bad ex-girlfriend. You know she’s toxic and bad for you, so you cut her off, but every time she comes around you let her in. Then the cycle of insanity continues.
The pill use was hidden from almost everyone, except the people I was doing them with. But the excessive drinking was no secret. It became a joke to the people I worked with. So, what did I do? I played into the joke and downplayed the drinking. Every off-duty incident I got myself into was never kept secret, even from those in administrative positions. Instead of asking if I needed help, I was belittled and scolded. At the time I didn’t think anything of it. I have thick skin, so it didn’t really bother me. Looking back, I’m amazed they didn’t mandate I get help.
For the longest time I didn’t think my drinking and pill use was an issue. I never became dependent on any substance. I wasn’t addicted to the substance, but I was addicted to the adrenaline rush of doing something wrong.
At the end of 2019 and beginning of 2020 I realized I needed help to break the cycle, but I didn’t know where to turn. The only help I knew was available to me through my department was to go to Florida and check myself into an inpatient rehab. At that time, I was ready for help, but not ready to tell all my loved ones I had a problem. I also didn’t want to be the topic of gossip in my department, so I let the cycle continue.
In July of 2020 my worst nightmare had come true. Through an investigation done by the Prosecutor’s Office I was caught via text messages negotiating a purchase for pills. My career was soon to be gone, and my life was turned upside down. While I was left in limbo, waiting to see what would happen with my career I took the initiative and got help on my own. I found a therapist who specializes in addiction and trauma in first responders. Finally, I had found exactly what I needed. As I started seeing her, she was able to direct me to different resources for first responders. Bottles and Badges, and Reps for Responders to name a couple. My eyes were open that I wasn’t alone in my struggles, and there were more resources out there than just Florida.
I had stopped the pill use shortly after I was caught, and had my last drink on October 9, 2020. This was two days after I pleaded guilty to conspiracy to possess CDS and agreed to never work in public employment again.
Asking for help is not easy, especially as a police officer. I used to think that asking for help made you soft and weak. I quickly realized how wrong I was. What I learned through all of this is before you help others, you need to help yourself. You are not alone in your struggles. There’s way more people out there, first responders, who are going through similar struggles. Know it’s OK to ask for help, and it’s OK to struggle. In order to be the best cop, firefighter, EMT, husband, wife, son, daughter, you need to be the best you.
Nicholas Ricciotti is a former Law Enforcement Officer in the state of NJ. Through professional and personal experiences, he is a strong advocate for physical and mental health. Nick is part of the Reps for Responders team, who help first responders live a healthy life through physical fitness and mental health awareness. He holds a bachelor’s degree in Criminal Justice, and is a former Division 2 athlete. Nick is most recently enjoying fatherhood as he and his wife welcomed their first child in February 2021.
