BIG T & small t TRAUMAS
/BIG T & small t TRAUMAS
By Darci Werner
The three-month-old lay curled up on Dad's chest oblivious to the surrounding noise of people in the small auditorium and the guest speaker up on stage. Across the aisle is where I sat, watching the tender pats of the large hand gently tapping his baby’s fragile back to ease into slumber. Both of us were attending for the same thing; a seminar for first responders and their spouses to help strengthen their marriage. One of the speakers included in the program was a counselor focusing on brain health and helpful strategies to promote healing from trauma.
The adjacent couple was just beginning on their adventure with this new little member of their family, whereas mine was 22 years older and still an active part of our current situation. I sat looking around the room at faces, couples of many ethnic backgrounds and ages. They were all supposed to be retired. Many were medically retired from areas of armed forces, fire and police departments. As I looked into the faces, I wondered if they, too, were facing the demons that now plague my husband’s mind as he lets go of the scenes that haunt him from the years of service.
This couple has an opportunity to heal as this little one grows so as not to affect his own life path. Ours does not understand or have patience for the trials, temper tantrums and emotional drain that plagues at a moment’s notice.
“Tell him to just suck it up.” My son told me one afternoon as I explained how his dad had a really rough night. Dreams that make him spring out of bed and catch his breath. He walks on eggshells on the down days not knowing when, or what will set off eruptions that set his mind spiraling. Nor does he see how I am caught in the middle. Always trying to keep the peace between the two, making sure they are separated to hinder any blow-up on those tender days. My new household chore of running interference. I said a prayer the moment the couple sat across from me. A baby's scream is a trigger. It developed after a tactical drug raid that involved small infants. I don't know of others, so do not know how to protect his recall from them. He doesn't tell me things to spare my own mental clarity.
This little one whose life is beginning can be fragile in trusting the people in his future life, especially his father. Mine is pulling away because of the fear of the mood swings and getting tired of side-stepping to avoid conversations.
My eyes look at the many wives who have come to this event. We are all looking for the same helpful advice and a way to keep our marriage intact among the turmoil and trauma. How to support without losing ourselves in the process. We are taught about Big T and Small T traumas. They are all big in my eyes when you are trying to hold a family unit together. The pain in watching him struggle to deal with the memories. The confusion and frustration felt by our son.
And on some days, I too, want to just say “deal with it” and move on. Trauma may be personal to the officer or first responder, but it will affect those around him or her.
There is comfort in numbers. I didn't feel so alone among the other spouses who quietly deal with their own home situations. I learned how important it was for these men and women to get proper help, as well as for the care giver. You can't be strong for them if you, too, are falling apart. As a parent, the man with his infant will hopefully heal his heart for the sake of that little joy curled up on his chest.
Just as my retired officer will do his healing for the sake of our son and our marriage it will be a long road for both and those that stand next to them.
Darci Werner is a retired police wife residing in Northeast, Iowa. She writes for Chicken Soup for the Soul, Lyrical Iowa, and Guidepost. She thanks Blue Magazine for providing alternative topics for all who support law enforcement and is honored to share police family life stories.
