Gay in Law Enforcement: Equality

Equality: Interview with Sgt. Tommy Reyes
By George Beck, Ph.D.

Blue Magazine recently sat down with Sgt. Tommy Reyes for an exclusive interview. Sgt. Reyes is a 14-year veteran of the City of Miami Police Department, currently serving as their FOP Union president. Before becoming a cop, Sgt. Reyes had dreams of working with animals, applying to become the elephant keeper at the local zoo with hopes of one day becoming a veterinarian. However, as Sgt. Reyes tells, he sort of “fell into” law enforcement, and ever since his first days at the police academy, he’s never looked back. Sgt. Reyes proudly tells how being a cop is a self-fulfilling career as a community helper, and he wouldn’t trade it for any other profession in the world. It’s the brotherhood, the camaraderie that motivates Sgt. Reyes to be the best officer and union leader for his fellow brothers and sisters in Blue. In this uncensored interview, Sgt. Reyes discusses his experiences as an openly gay officer and how his “coming out” has helped many others in similar situations become comfortable with who they are in the career they choose. Blue Magazine thanks Sgt. Reyes, for his professionalism and commitment to our profession.

The Blue Magazine: How long did you keep your sexual identity to yourself before you came out at work?

Sgt. Tommy Reyes: I think back when I was younger, I guess I thought being gay was a phase, and I thought it’ll go away. I'll grow out of it. I was already on the job for about four years before I came out. And it wasn’t like one day I just decided to come out as some people do — it just sort of happened little by little. I didn’t make a big announcement or send a department-wide email. I just didn’t hide who I was anymore.

So, who's the first person you came out to?

My ex-wife. She really helped me become comfortable with who I am, and it helped that I had a supportive family. After my wife knew, I started, you know, coming out to the family.

Did you suspect she had known?

Yeah. I think she kind of knew — she kind of had an idea. When she found out she took it, I think better than anyone would expect. She has a gay brother, so she doesn't have any issues with gay people.

How did it feel when you were married, and hiding your true sexual identity?

Well when I married her, I didn’t really know I was gay. It was a great time for both of us. We loved each other very much, and I believe we still do. It’s just not a romantic kind of love. We also have our daughter. We are both very lucky to have our daughter, and I’m very lucky to have an ex-wife that doesn’t hate me like a lot of other guys have to deal with. Mutual respect is the secret to that.

Is your partner on the job??  What’s the deal?

My partner is not on the job. He works in the airline industry.

How were you treated by your department before and after you came out?

I think I've gotten more props for being as comfortable as I am. But I believe other departments are way more progressive than we are. Miami is still an old-school machismo Cuban community — we still have a lot of people that think like that. So, I guess I was the first gay guy in my department to come out. We had tons of lesbians, and that's been somewhat more accepted, at least from my point of view. But I think we still have the old boys club, right — that thinking that the lesbian is going to do her best to fight with the boys. But you know, the queer, the fag, is not going to hold his own. But I don't think the young guys think like that. There may be a few old-school guys, but it's not like in a hateful way. However, still, there are specific terms and words that people use, and they don't necessarily mean it in a harmful negative way. They'll say it around me, and then they'll realize, oh shit.

Have you felt any resentment from being openly gay?

Well, there's a particular police website that is festering garbage. It’s called Leo Affairs. It's a rather popular website. They do articles, but where they make their money is the message boards and cop space. They talk shit about each other. It’s disgusting. It's all anonymous. It’s just nasty. They say the stuff the cowards are too afraid to tell you to your face. They go on there and talk shit. There was some stuff on there about me —derogatory comments about me being gay. But what bothered me the most was  when they lie — you know, they call me a fag and queer and I’m like, yeah, OK, but I'll tell you recently when I was running for union president the most hurtful thing that was said is when they called me slug. That means you don't do shit. I’ve worked hard my entire career, and they know it.

What do you say to officers out there who are bullying or harassing somebody because of their sexual identity? Speak directly to them.

I think a lot of it has to do with your own insecurities. Whether it is because you are gay or have gay tendencies, I think a lot of it has to do with that. You're insecure with who you are, and whether or not you are gay; you feel the need to mess with other people. So, get over your own insecurities.

Workplace harassment in general. How big is the problem of workplace harassment, in general, against everyone?

From a union president's point of view, I think nationally it varies by department and region. It depends where you are and where you work and the culture of the department. Yeah, some departments just breed that kind of stuff. And other departments are poorly led, and the culture of the department permits that horrible stuff. Everyone who is being harassed should stand up and fight back — whether because you are gay or not — harassment of all kinds is unacceptable, and we need to end it.

Is it harder to tell somebody you're gay or harder to tell somebody you're a cop?

I think it depends on the crowd. I guess you could say, looking at me, I am not the one that screams, “Hey look at me, I’m gay.” I wear cop shirts all the time. So, if the event is appropriate, yeah, I'll wave a gay flag. I don't care, but I'm not the guy, you know, I don't have bumper stickers. I meet people  all the time that don't know I'm gay. But being a cop, most people introduce us to other people as a cop, so I guess it depends on the crowd. In today’s day and age, you have to be more cautious about who you tell that you’re a police officer versus being gay. I feel like our country is moving in a direction that it is acceptable to be gay, no matter which side of the political aisle you stand on. But many on a particular side of the aisle are not accepting of anyone in law enforcement. That’s unfortunate. Your profession or your sexual identity should never give anyone the right to hate or judge. As a society, we are much better than that kind of nonsense.

Were you ever in a dark place struggling with your sexual identity?

Um, yeah, I think maybe for a little while, but I don't believe it took me too long to get out of it because I saw the support I had. As I said, there was a lot of support  from my family, which was really good. My coworkers were excellent. I had a boss who was a lesbian, and she took good care of me. I went and saw a therapist, although, for only one session, it helped. It is totally anonymous unless they feel that you are, in fact, a danger to yourself or somebody else. And with our contract, we're entitled to up to six sessions for free and at no cost to our insurance. But yeah, it’s normal, I guess. I got through it. If you need outside support, do not be afraid to seek it. Help is out there!

Speak to that officer right now out there somewhere in America who's struggling with his sexual identity and might be in a dark place.

I’d tell him or her that there are others out there. You're not the only gay cop. There are lots of us out here, and I found that I've got gay police friends in probably every major city in this country and a lot of small towns, too. And I think that's the important thing is to know is that you're not the only one. Even if you are struggling with the stress of exposing your true sexual identity, you're still probably not the only one in your department. You may be an excellent example for somebody else. Since I came out, at least a handful of other guys also did. I've had cops come to me and tell me they appreciated it. We even walked in Pride together. I took the initiative to talk to the Chief and got us the approval to march in Pride for the first time two years ago. This will be our third year walking in Pride. I invited a lot of those guys to join me. So, I also say there are supportive people out there. It's not just you struggling, and you don't have to worry. As long as you're a good cop, that’s what matters.

How do organizations like Moment of Silence and BBO help offset blue suicide? Do they help?

These organizations are essential. Moment of Silence is attacking the stigma of blue suicide. Until recently, nobody spoke about police suicides — they weren’t even tracked. They are helping to bring the problem to the light and showing officers who are struggling that there is support out there.

Brothers Before Others is an amazing organization. There are a few things that we are working on when it comes to police suicide, but I think the most important thing is just the support from brothers and sisters. Sometimes it’s hard to speak to people you work with. BBO exposes us to like-minded people that are not associated with your department, thus sometimes making officers feeling more comfortable talking with them. From an LGBTQ viewpoint, they do an amazing job as showing that it’s OK to be LGBTQ and are extremely supportive.

Let's talk about unions. What's your view on the overall power of unions? Are they as strong as they used to be?

I don't think they’re as powerful as we usually think. But, I guess it depends on the state because obviously, the laws vary by state. What's happening now is everybody's catering to the social media warriors or the Circuit Court of Facebook, and they make decisions based on that and not on due process. Although we have the due process rules set up, a lot of times, there are administrators on the city's side or whatever agency you work for who don't want to follow due process because they're afraid of what social media is going to say.

It seems like many union leaders come in with the best intentions. But once they get elected, it switches where now their number one job is staying elected. If they can do that and help the membership, that's great. But if they have to choose between staying elected or helping the membership, staying is sadly what many leaders choose.

I've seen that before. Yeah. I'm not that type of person because I love being on the road.  I'll go back to being a patrol supervisor. I’d be a happy guy if my phone stopped ringing. I also think it depends on the union. I believe in the past, my lodge was run by people like this. It appeared to many that their primary function was being re-elected and using their positions for personal gain. I have strong beliefs that my job as FOP president should not be used for personal gain. In actuality, up until this point, I feel like it has actually stunted my advancement.

When dealing with politicians, do you consider yourself more of a fighter or a diplomat?

I'm definitely more of a diplomat. If I have to fight, I'll fight them. I'm not afraid to fight. But if we can sit down and have a drink and come to a reasonable conclusion for both sides, I am OK with that, too. In my short time thus far as president, I have led demonstrations at city hall and filed ethics complaints on a commissioner. I would much rather sit and discuss things with leadership and try to work out our issues in the best way possible for my members and the residents of our city.

Any role model union leaders you would try to mold yourself after?

Yes, we have a guy who's one of our past presidents. He is one of the smartest people I've ever met, and he got a lot done for us in the ‘90s, and he is still around. His name is Al Cotera. He's our pension chairman, and he will tell you the exact numbers of our pension and how it works and where the money is invested and how it's done. Then he'll recite your phone number from memory. He's been retired for a while, but he's still very active. He’s still very involved. He’s the first person that comes to mind. However, I have several excellent examples of what a union leader should look like.

President Donald Trump. Good or bad?

Oh, yeah. Listen, I'm a Trump supporter. I think he's doing good things for us as a whole. I mean, do I like everything he’s done? No, but I don't think we ever agree a hundred percent with anybody. Especially a politician.

Do you believe Pres. Trump’s support for the gay community is real, or is it publicity driven?

I think his support is genuine. I think it shows because he's not out there like preaching it, rubbing it in our face. Right? Yeah, it's just he does what he does. I don't expect him to be running around waving the rainbow flag. Trump’s not like that. I guess to him being gay is normal, just like everyone else. And that’s a good thing.

Do you find your views and support for the president, conflict drastically with other members of the gay community?

Oh yeah, big time. I get a ton of pushback. Yeah. I think even among the gay cops. I think it’s split, really. Yeah, it's definitely split, and it's hardcore. But I think the people who are the most hardcore against Pres. Trump don't do their homework, and they just hear the media and regurgitate that nonsense. They're not open to listening. As much as I am a Trump supporter, and I did vote for him, I still listen to what the Democrats have to say with their arguments. It’s all about keeping a level head and an open mind. Also, Trump is definitely rough around the edges, he's definitely arrogant, but he's doing good things. The economy is up. He's making good deals, and nobody else was arrogant enough to beat Hillary Clinton.

What are the differences living as a straight or gay male?

I think not being gay would’ve made my  life easier. But I don’t think easier is always better. I think the question I’ve been asked before and I’ve asked myself is “what if my kid is gay?” As a parent who loves their child, I hope not, because being gay isn’t always easy. There is still some hate out there along with stupid people. But that being said I don’t really care as long as she is happy.

And really, from a relationship perspective, being gay is the same as being straight. “The Gay Agenda” is pretty much the same as the straight one, find someone who loves you for you. Settle down with them and spend the rest of your life with him of her. Some want to have kids and a family, and some don’t. Relationships are pretty much the same a straight ones, we argue and fight over stupid stuff, we nag and get nagged. I’d say the biggest lesson I haven’t learned yet is, “Can you put your dirty clothes in the hamper and not on the floor next to it!”

Any last words?

I'd like to close by telling everyone, to be yourself, be comfortable with who you are. If you are having problems, reach out for help. There are people in and out of law enforcement that will listen and support you. Seek the support of family, friends, and co-workers, and if none of those is an option, reach out and seek professional assistance. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have a great career and all the benefits that come with being a good cop.

Blue Magazine surveyed active and retired officers from across the United States. The responses to the five key questions offer insight on views toward equality for all officers regardless of their sexual identity.

When asked if the current American police culture is tolerant of gay officers, a resounding 82% percent felt it is. Although the percentage is not 100%, this clearly shows that nationally law enforcement culture is working toward equality for all officers—an encouraging sign that one day soon, we will achieve this.

Next, survey takers were asked if they believed someone’s sexual identity matters in law enforcement. 95% of respondents reported that someone’s sexual identity does not matter, while 5% thought it did. This shows how close we are as a profession to reaching equality for all officers.

The third question asked if gay officers should be encouraged to come out. 83% felt they should, while 14% disagreed, and 3 % were unsure. Although like in the first question, the American police culture is tolerant of one’s sexual identity, 14% of officer’s surveyed felt encouraging officers to come out was not necessary. This shows there is more work that needs to be done in this area.

When asked if officers taking the survey believed administrations discriminated against gay officers, 100% indicated they did not think so. This result suggests the discord is among the rank and file, and more attention in this area needs to be addressed.

And lastly, survey takers were asked how they felt about a department adorning their vehicles and patches with rainbows for gay pride month? 95% reported they did not want their vehicles and patches to be altered with gay pride insignia, while 5 % of respondents were unsure. There are multiple ways to interpret this response. However, it appears after speaking with officers who took part in the survey, tradition is a significant part of law enforcement, and they felt their traditions should not be compromised for any reason.