BLUE SUICIDE - A Real Life Interview

The Blue Magazine interviewed Erika Vicente, an 18-year veteran of the Paterson Police Department. She is a cop who enjoys interacting with different people and meeting with a variety of situations each day. However, there is more to Erika than that which shows on the surface. In this interview, Erika explains how she came to be in a dark place in her life, and, like many others, found ways to hide it until someone noticed.

The Blue Magazine: What was life like before you sought help?

Erika: Work was my escape, but I was depressed at home. The ability to push my feelings away and concentrate on the job made me a better cop. I wanted to be the first one on hot jobs. I was easily angered, almost aggressive. I would explode when I was home, making it evident that there was an issue. There was plenty of crying and sleeping. My family noticed, but I disguised it by blaming it on exhaustion from working. I wanted to be left alone.

The Blue Magazine: When did you decide to get help?

Erika: It peaked about a year ago. It began to affect my eating and sleeping. I didn’t want to go to work, eat, or shower. I wanted to sleep in order to keep my feelings away. I didn’t want to wake up. Various people noticed my puffy eyes and asked if I was alright. At this point, I stopped working. I had the flu multiple times. Although I refused to talk about it, a friend saw what was happening. Rather than asking if I was okay and allowing me to say “yeah” and avoid the conversation, they looked me in the eyes and genuinely cared. They put everything aside, leaned over the table, took my hand, and said, “You’re not okay”.

The Blue Magazine: Can you describe the Florida House Experience?

Erika: I was there for a month and a half. With encouragement, I realized I needed help, called the Florida House, and booked my plane ticket. I was surprised when the doors of the House locked behind me. I had expected a resort and felt manipulated, hating everyone involved with getting me there. Others there had dependency issues, and I felt that I was better than them because I didn’t have those issues. To me, it was an eating disorder and sadness. The more I learned, the more I understood that we all have the same underlying issues but at different levels. It all starts with mental health. I was nasty to the staff for days until another first responder came in to speak to me. She related exactly to the way I felt. I realized that our problem was the same at the core: mental health. Dependency is just a symptom of it and a way to hide the problem. After several days, I saw we all had the same issues with work, family, and stress. Those problems are all intertwined with PTSD and mental health.

The Blue Magazine: Did they teach you anything else?

Erika: The first thing they addressed was my eating disorder. Later, it was discovered that the issue was PTSD Hyper-vigilance. There are several things they do including therapy, questionnaires, and tests in order to find your diagnosis. I have Hyper-vigilant, Anxiety, and Compound PTSD as well as a brain injury. They teach that First Responders are always hyper-vigilant, and we tend to go into our careers predisposed. Florida House is a safe environment because you’re with First Responders, and you can talk realistically without being judged. The employees were all former addicts or former mental health patients and experienced it first hand. I didn’t figure out what made me depressed. I think it’s the way I am. Depression is something many of us have. It’s always there but sometimes gets aggravated. Some of us are prone to it, and some of us aren’t. I don’t regret going. In the beginning, my ego outweighed the truth of my mental health issues. I was ashamed when I first got there but not when I left. I am happy to be living contently, enjoying myself, and helping others.

The Blue Magazine: Is there any advice you’d like to give?

Erika: It’s been fourteen months since Florida House. I’m alive today because of Florida House, and the people who got me there. I’d like to encourage officers in a dark place to try Florida House. Approach an officer in need. We hear rumors about others, but we don’t speak to that person. I think that would make a big difference. We need to stop thinking it isn’t our problem and make it our problem. It is our brother or our sister, and maybe they need that helping hand. We need to save lives, and we need to start with those of our brothers and sisters. I believe a solution starts with being proactive. Perhaps counseling would be effective as long as it’s kept confidential.

The Blue Magazine: What is your objective with the Moment of Silence organization?

Erika: Moment of Silence was the friend I spoke about. They were the ones who were able to reach me after years of being unreachable. They hold dinners, and that is where I first got wind of asking for help. I encourage officers to attend, observe, and try to feel comfortable speaking. Anyone is welcome. We will not judge you.

The Blue Magazine: Is there anything that you would like to say that I left out?

Erika: Yes. I used to think that people who went to Florida House were officers that were weaker in some way because they're not able to deal with their sh*t. Then I realized they're actually strong because they're opening up and letting people in their world and tell them “yeah, I have a problem, but I did something about it”.
Let me help you. To me that was an eye-opener and that helped me there. I saw the other officers doing that and I said, you know what “I'm going to do that. I'm going to pay it forward instead of being quiet and just doing it for my benefit and being ashamed and that stigma following me”. I'm not going to allow that because we need to break it. We need to save lives out here and we need to start with our brothers and sisters.