Warrior's Heart: Why raising your hand during emotional times is hard

History of Service

21 years ago, in July of 1999, I raised my right hand as I took an oath of allegiance to the US Constitution, the United States of America and the United States Army, as a cadet candidate at the United States Military Academy Preparatory School at Ft. Monmouth, NJ. A year later I would enter the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY and raise my hand once again. I have raised my hand numerous times as I was sworn into various ranks, duty assignments and most recently into my current job as a detective in New Jersey. I was a member of a Narcotics Task Force and a breacher on the County Regional SWAT Team. Standing 6’5” and weighing 300 pounds, with a shaved head, a Viking-like beard and tattoos on my arms, one would think by looking at me, nothing could or would hurt me. In reality, I was broken on the inside. I had battled depression, anxiety and alcoholism for years. I felt that I didn’t need help and could do this on my own. I felt that I was strong enough to handle my situation. I was also in fear of my chain-of-command finding out about the “real me” and removing me from the task force and more importantly the team which I loved so much. That exact thinking led to my downfall and eventually my rock bottom.

As warriors, we have raised our right hands and have sworn to protect and serve our country and our communities. We have volunteered for a life of selfless service and would not think twice about giving our own lives to save that of another. Mental health issues are not only real, but are challenges that can be overcome with the right approach, and it all starts with RAISING YOUR HAND.

Journey to Recovery Begins

On Dec. 25, 2018, I had my last alcoholic drink and two days later, my wife called the police after an argument we had and I stormed out of the house emotional and crying. I later wrote her a text saying “I love you, I’m sorry; you’re not going to have to deal with me anymore.”Later that day, I found myself sitting in a hospital awaiting admission into Warrior’s Heart, which is a treatment facility specifically designed to meet the needs of active duty military, veterans and first responders, the only one of its kind in the country. My life had become unmanageable.My first day of recovery was Jan. 1, 2019, the day I entered Warrior’s Heart.

By this time, my chain of command got wind of my situation. I felt like a complete failure. I felt like I let myself down, my department down, my teammates down and more importantly my family down. My depression was at an all-time high. I was stuck in a hospital, which I felt I didn’t belong in and was surrounded by people I never would associate with.How was I feeling in the days and months that led me to being admitted into a hospital? I felt hopeless, a strange feeling that no one would ever want to work with me. I felt that I would never be promoted. I felt that my career was dead in the water.I was in fear of losing my job and my family. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I felt that everyone in my department hated me, including everyone on the team, and even my own partner and my family. I didn’t know where to turn. I was embarrassed and I felt I was weak for being in this situation. I felt ALONE.

Natural Reactions and Impact of Trauma

What I described are all common feelings and emotions that every single service member, veteran and first responder who battles the diseases of addiction, depression, anxiety and PTSD feels on a daily basis. The feeling of worthlessness and self-pity overtake your mind and play games with you. I am here to tell you that these feelings are a natural response to these situations. I am here to tell you that it’s OK to not feel OK. It’s OK to raise your hand.

As warriors, we have to deal with people at the worst times of their lives. We have to deal with the worst that society has to offer. We see the evil in the world on a daily basis. We are victims of either direct trauma or vicarious trauma on a daily basis. Our line of work will affect you both positively and negatively over the course of your career. It is important to take care of your mind just as much as you take care of your body. Our lives also depend on our mental fitness, but for some reason it is not as important to members of the military and first responders as our physical health because we can’t see it. It’s not tangible.

Our minds are what drive us. It is our central processing unit. We are tasked with making split-second decisions, which can ultimately lead to life or death on a daily basis. In order to make those sound split-second decisions, our minds must be operating at the highest level and must be clear. If we are carrying around all those repressed traumatic events, they will eventually lead to our minds and our bodies breaking down. It is the “mind-body” connection. We become short-tempered, angry, overly aggressive, act out in ways that are uncharacteristic of ourselves, engage in dangerous behavior and take unnecessary risks.In other words, we develop maladaptive coping skills.It is estimated that 85% of first responders have experienced symptoms related to mental health issues and 84% of first responders say that they have experienced a traumatic event in the course of their duties. But only 34% of those first responders have received a formal diagnosis with a mental health disorder.It is important as warriors that we process this trauma so we can be better at our jobs and more importantly better for our families.

Smash the Stigma

How can we process this trauma, you ask? By breaking the stigma, raising our hands and asking for help. But why is it so hard for us to raise our hands. According to a Harris Poll which was conducted in February 2017, 39% of first responders say that there are negative repercussions for individuals who seek mental health treatment at work. Of that 39%, 55% say that their supervisor will treat them differently if they bring up their mental health at work, 45% say that their co-workers will perceive them as being weak and 34% say that they will be passed up for promotion if they bring up these concerns.

We need to overcome and smash these stigmas. In my case I had these same fears and anxiety. But I was blessed to have a chain-of-command and a chief who understood—who got it. My chief ensured me that after my treatment I would still have a job. He further went on to say that no one would hold my personal issues against me. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I finally was at ease. I was able to concentrate on rebuilding myself. I was able to concentrate on making myself a better person for myself, so I can be of maximum service to my department and more importantly my family.

Putting in the Work

The next step is putting in the work. We as warriors love to work. While in our jobs we are always looking to do work. I often would use work as a way to escape my reality and keep my mind focused on other things rather than on the things that were bothering me. So why don’t we put in the work into bettering ourselves?

At first, I was reluctant to put that work in. I only wanted to pick and choose what I wanted to work on in my life. First was the alcoholism. I was able to put down the drink, but I never addressed the underlying issues that caused the alcoholism. I was afraid to become vulnerable. I was afraid to feel uncomfortable. Once I was able to get comfortable feeling uncomfortable was when the real work began. With the help of therapists and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy I was able to “Touch the Dragon” and get to the root causes of my problems and process them.

Upon my return to work, I was a little nervous and hesitant as to how I would be received. I quickly remembered the Serenity Prayer. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” With this in mind, I knew that I didn’t have control over my chain of command and my colleagues’ view of me. So I didn’t let it bother me. What I do have control over are my own actions. In work as in my personal life I would keep doing the next right thing, no matter what it was. Through my positive actions over time, I was able to change the way my co-workers viewed me and I was able to regain their trust.

As you can see, this journey for me has been a battle but it is not an impossible battle. It can be won with the combination of the right therapy, the right work ethic and the right mindset. I challenge you now to be selfish in your recovery. Put yourself ahead of everything else and take that step to raise your hand. You owe it to your organization, department, co-workers, friends and family to be a better person, be a better soldier, and to be a better officer. But most importantly, you owe it to YOURSELF!

By Bradford Waudby