WHEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, THERE IS HOPE
/WHEN ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE, THERE IS HOPE
By: Chris Amos
For the sake of this article, I use the name Tom, not his actual name. Tom was a happy-go-lucky guy. Happily married, loved his job as a police lieutenant, a bit quirky. What else would you call a guy who was known to ride a moped to work… in uniform. Tom was liked by his peers, even more so he was respected, a rare combination in our line of work. I had gotten in to work early that day when my phone rang. A couple of minutes later I hung up, wondering out loud if I had actually heard what I thought I heard. Within about ten minutes the information I had hoped I misunderstood was confirmed. Tom had shot his wife, then himself, killing both.
We would call it a murder-suicide but it was much more than that. Tom, I would later learn, had been having night tremors and was on a toxic mix of prescribed medications in search of a good night’s sleep. I believe, as well as many others, that Tom had a night tremor. He woke up enough to reach for his loaded 9mm pistol, shot his wife, and then having awakened fully and realized what he had done, he shot himself.
As Tom’s co-worker, friend and as an ordained pastor, I was asked to officiate the funeral service for both. As I look back on that tragedy, I am reminded of the act of grace shown by Tom’s mother-in-law. I sat in the funeral home with her as she insisted on giving up her burial plot so that Tom and her daughter, his wife, could be buried side by side. This dear old woman knew what many in law enforcement did not. In a very real sense, Tom did not take his life and that of his wife, this job did. Tom worked Homicide and Forensics, two of the most demanding and demoralizing jobs in law enforcement. They can take away a person’s ability to feel compassion, to empathize, to do something as simple as loving one’s spouse or kids. Back in the day, to be a Homicide detective inevitably led to two places, divorce court and 2:00 a.m. poker games at the FOP.
Tom was the exception to that rule, as somehow, he managed to not just stay married, but his marriage flourished in ways that few do within the LEO family. He loved his wife dearly, as did she him with no underlying affairs, abuse, financial concerns or medical issues other than the night tremors Tom could not shake. Remember, as a murder-suicide this incident was investigated thoroughly in hopes of trying to find answers to this inexplicable tragedy.
As a department we were left dumbfounded by this incident. As a pastor I understood all too well the price demanded of one’s soul by a job that provided front-row seats to the demonic carnage unleashed on society by a very real devil. Satan hates every person ever born, because we have all been born in the image of God. Satan hates cops even more. Why? Because these men and women have raised their hands to answer God’s call to serve as agents of His vengeance against lawlessness and those who prey on the weak, the disadvantaged, the helpless. Satan despises cops.
Friends, I do not have the words to adequately express the hatred Satan has for you. He hates you and as a law enforcement officer, he hates everything you stand for. He would love to entice you down the road of compromise, corruption and abuse. If that doesn’t work, he has the patience and resources to give you the vices necessary to lead to your own self-destruction. And if by doing so he can end your marriage and inflict unseen damage and injury on your children, all the better. And ultimately, if he can overwhelm you with so much anger, bitterness, hatred, hopelessness and despair that you hold a gun to the side of your head and pull the trigger, he in a very warped, perverted and sadistic way celebrates. He wants nothing more than to add you to his masterpiece of death and destruction he has been creating since time began.
Friends, I speak as one who, having fallen into a pit of despair and self-hatred, decided to take my life. My wife of two years and infant son deserved better, much better I reasoned as I held my .38 revolver to the side of my head. I watched my reflection intently in a mirror as the hammer moved slightly. Within less than an inch from death, I suddenly heard three words that saved my life, “There is hope.”
There IS hope my friends, my Brothers and Sisters in Blue. Sure, Satan has made, and continues to make, the lives of many cops a living hell, but I have news for you … and him. Satan is a defeated foe. He has not the power, strength or legal authority to rob you of your own life. He can be overcome, and through Jesus Christ we can become overcomers. Overcomers of Satan and the many influences and allies he employs to bring us down. From the anti-cop, demonize and defund air bags, to the criminal-embracing district and commonwealth’s attorneys around the country. These people can make an impossible job that much more difficult, but they do not have the power or authority to defeat us.
In Jesus Christ we are more than conquerors. We might lose a battle or two, but the outcome of the war was decided 2,000 years ago with the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ! He conquered sin, death, the grave and any need or desire, great or small, for you or me to take our own lives. The truth is, there is still good in this world, causes worth fighting for. And you play a central role in this battle between good and evil, light and darkness, life and death; and for that reason you are feared by the enemy far more than you will ever know.
Friends, there is hope, peace, joy and life in Jesus Christ. He and He alone can evict those small voices of condemnation, shame, guilt and despair that seek to take up residence in our minds. Jesus is the light that pierces the darkness of the soul. If you have entertained the thought of suicide please, please, please reach out for help. Every department has an EAP. These are much needed to provide the temporary bandaid that can get you through the night. Jesus Christ has the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual healing that will lead you through the valley of the shadow of suicide and back to the sunlight of life, peace, hope and joy for all eternity.Give Him a chance, “THERE IS HOPE!”
See you at that finish line my friend.
Chris Amos is a retired officer and former spokesperson for the Norfolk Virginia Police Department. He is currently the pastor at Chr1st Fellowship Church in Norfolk. He is married for over 30 years and is the proud father of three children, two of whom are police officers. He serves as the volunteer Chaplain for Norfolk Police Dept. and Norfolk Sheriff’s Office.
