THE JOURNEY
/THE JOURNEY
By: Darci Werner
“Back to normal” is how a recent email read. I chuckled to myself after reading the line. Normal? What is that? Civil servant families do not have “normal” in their day-to- day lives. At least that was my experience as a police family for twenty-two years.
Our journey began on a single day. The day our son was born was the same day my husband tested for a local department. He was already serving as a reserve deputy for the county. That day began a career for him which encompassed the entire family with schedules that constantly rotated. Non-family friendly shifts making relationships a challenge and the hardest one, being on duty 24-7 when you are the police chief of a small community.
We were always on guard; always watching our backs. Is this a friend or foe? Our family encountered many distressing encounters from notes left on the door “to get out of town,” a teenager driving a four-wheeler past our home several times repeatedly to annoy us, our house egged and even a volatile drug addict deciding he could just waltz right into our home because he wanted to talk. One of the most emotionally painful was a dinner at a firehouse to celebrate a holiday. As we sat down at the table, the firefighter couples already seated stood up and all moved to another table.
Due to some of the people’s actions and reactions to an officer in their midst, we were reluctant to hire a babysitter, only eating at trusted restaurants and always careful of any location that would cause someone to destroy our reputation, even when my husband was off duty. There were supporters, too. People that appreciate the duty and mindset involved in keeping them and their own families safe. They were the beacons of light that kept us sane.
Parenting is a full-time job from the onset. Add a police officer parent and the entire mix of emotions, with worries; complications get tumbled into the mix. When an arrested drug addict threatened to harm our son, he was never left alone. Some form of protection device was on hand at all times. My husband carried his concealed weapon and I had a Mace stick that never left my hand. Toward the end of the tour, another threat from an arrested person had me working toward a concealed weapons permit to include in my parenting arsenal. Then the teen years hit, where the complaints from our son included how he was never invited to anyone's house because his dad is a cop.
Having a father as a cop wasn't all bad for him. He actually wanted to follow in his footsteps. He grew up having a real patrol car to pretend play. Due to budget cuts, my husband volunteered to do routine maintenance on the squad cars, therefore, one was always sitting in the garage. He rode alongside him in parades, riding shotgun and handing out D.A.R.E items, or badge stickers.
As the wife, there were many days on my knees praying for safety from storms when no man or beast should have been out. Yet they were! So he had to rescue them from ditches and take them to safety. News of bank robbers and an officer shot are the worst for any law enforcement spouse. Is it him? Pleading for some phone call to confirm or deny the thoughts running through my brain. Then facing the guilt of gratitude that it was someone else, who now has to face this pain among their own family. A constant stream of people coming by or calling and all having a concern that needed immediate attention even when he was off duty. They would become his priority and we would take a backseat.
We were proud of our police family. Even though only one wore a badge, all of us took on the duty of behind-the-scene support. I say “were” because that hat has been hung up, the duty belt disarmed and set aside. The badge and stripes from over the many years are now pinned in a shadow box. Just as this adventure began on a single day, so it also ended. On one day my husband retired, and the very next day our son graduated from college with a criminal justice degree.
It has not been easy to find normal after twenty-two years. It has not been easy to flip the switch and change a mindset that has been a daily process for so long. The job can be negative and therefore distrust slips in from time to time when there really is no need. The mental release of the job is slowly dissipating. Questioning the new purpose in your life when you now focus on yourself instead of others can be challenging. We are still not feeling normal. We are working on it. There are still mental, emotional and physical pounds to shed from the arsenal worn around the hips; the hunched shoulders to straighten from a weighted vest; stress to release from city government leaders or even from within the department. Each day taking a breath and moving one step at a time to find our “back to normal”.
Darci Werner is a police wife residing in Province, Iowa. She thanks Blue Magazine for providing alternative topics for all who support law enforcement and is honored to share police family life stories.
